Note: This post is an Op-Ed and shares the author’s personal views. Brief mention of suicide.

This week, video footage was released of Keira Knightley talking about playing Professor Umbridge in Audible’s Harry Potter: The Full Cast Audio Edition, given calls for a boycott over author J.K. Rowling’s lengthy and controversial history with trans people. “I’m very sorry,” she said with a laugh, when told about a boycott. “I think we’re all living in a period of time right now — we’re all gonna have to figure out how to live together aren’t we? And we’ve all got very different opinions. So I hope that we can all find respect.”

Her words echo what John Lithgow has said about whether he expected backlash over his casting in the upcoming HBO series as Dumbledore: “No, absolutely not. Of course, it was a big decision because it’s probably the last major role I’ll play. It’s an eight-year commitment so I was just thinking about mortality and that this is a very good winding-down role…I thought, why is this a factor at all?”

Similarly, Nick Frost said of playing Hagrid in the same series, “[Rowling is] allowed her opinion and I’m allowed mine, they just don’t align in any way, shape or form.”

And when Tom Felton was asked whether he had hesitations about reprising the role of Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on Broadway, given the “Twitterverse controversy,” he replied, “I can’t say it does. I’m not really that attuned to it. The only thing I always remind myself is that I’ve been lucky enough to travel the world — here I am in New York — and I have not seen anything bring the world together more than Potter and she’s responsible for that, so I am incredible grateful.”

So, since people who work on J.K. Rowling projects seem committed to saying similarly vague nonsense, I’ve taken the liberty of writing a draft PR statement for those who will attempt to tackle the controversy in the future:

Hi fans! It’s me, the famous actor you liked, who you’re now going to feel slightly weird about for all time. The rumors are true! I’m in the new “Harry Potter” project. Rest assured, this is nothing like the seven books, eight movie adaptations, three prequel movies, hit Broadway play, countless video games, or existing audiobooks. This one is definitely artistically important. I promise.

It has come to my attention that the creative force behind the franchise, J.K. Rowling, has faced a spot of bother over her views on trans people. You see, I had no idea that one of the most famous authors of my lifetime was in the midst of a widely reported on, multi-year hate campaign. You see, as an actor, I do this thing where I don’t concern myself with online rubbish like “tweets” or “the dignity and lives of trans people.” I have to spend that time preparing for great roles. There’s a part in the upcoming biopic of the guy who invented the paper shredder that I’m just dying to play!

All this boils down to is a simple difference of opinion. I’ll have you know that Rowling and I actually differ on a great many things. Did you know that she doesn’t think that pickleball is gauche? This is totally, definitely, just like that.

Oh, what? So Rowling has given tens of thousands of dollars to the group that brought the case to the UK Supreme Court that effectively ruled that trans women are legally not women. So she’s created a private wealth fund for similar causes. She’s cheered on a report on trans youth — which featured no actual voices of trans people — that led to puberty blockers being banned for young people with gender dysphoria.

So a coroner ruled that a 17-year-old girl’s death was “preventable” and happened because of lengthy wait times for gender affirming care that were exacerbated by said report. Did you not see my prior point about opinions?

You see, dear fan, you may be trans or love people who are trans and whose lives are being thrown into further turmoil by this kind of action. But it’s also important for me to know that you understand that I love money. Gobble gobble gobble. Why can’t we all get along?

Hope this clarifies things!